March 3rd, 1876
This tale begins on an ordinary day in ordinary Bath County, Kentucky where a local farmers wife, Mrs. Crouch, was outside making ordinary soap in her ordinary yard.
“Between 11 o’clock and 12 o’clock I was in my yard not more than 40 steps from the house,“ she later told reporters. “There was a light wind coming from the West, but the sky was clear and the sun was shining brightly.”
It was under these exact circumstances when, without any warning of any kind, the shower commenced.
Globules of meat poured forth from the heavens upon and around Mrs. Crouch and her yard soap.
“When the flesh began to fall I saw a large piece strike the ground close by me, with a snapping-like noise when it struck. The largest piece that I saw was as long as my hand and about a half inch wide. It looked gristly, as if it had been torn from the throat of some animal.”
Mrs. Crouch and her husband watched in amazement for several minutes as raw meat, some pieces as small and delicate as snowflakes, others as big as 3 inches square, rained down from the sky.
When asked, Mrs. Crouch was unable to decide whether the shower had been a miracle or a warning.
Personally, unless you’re starving to death, its probably safe to assume that meat rain is not a miracle. If you’re making yard soap however, then yeah its probably a warning.
The Kentucky Meat Shower as it was soon referred to, left an area of the farmyard 100 feet long and 50 feet wide strewn with fallen flesh.
The shower drew plenty of attention from neighbors and newspaper reporters who quickly ventured to the farm to gaze upon and examine the mysterious sky meat.
Many offered up their opinions on what the sky meat may be, but no consensus could be made on what kind of meat it was. One neighbor, a hunter by trade, went so far as to declare it to be bear meat.
By this logic we can conclude that a flying bear exploded over the Crouch’s yard.
Several took it upon themselves to taste the meat. Two men ate it and declared it to be either mutton or venison (lamb or deer). A local butcher who also tried a piece declared it to be neither fowl or fish, and that it smelled unique, unlike anything he had come across before.
The sky meat smell confounded him.
With no one able to distinctly identify the meat, samples were gathered for proper study by the faculty members at Transylvania University.
In other words, the Sky Bear/Mutton/Venison Meat was being experimented on at Vampire U.
Samples were sent to numerous scientists across the country in hopes of determining the sky meat’s true identity.
A Professor J. L. Smith initially believed the sky meat to be dried frog-spawn, picked up from a pond and strewn about by the wind. This theory was soon abandoned.
Another scientist declared the Kentucky wonder was nothing more than the “Nostoc of an old alchemist; a strange-looking vegetable mass.” Basically, meat-like vegetables.
A Dr. L.D. Kastenbine heated a sample over a Bunsen burner and after examining the odor claimed that the meat was without a doubt mutton.
But still, other doctors argued that it wasn’t mutton. Some identified it, after looking at it under a microscope, as the lung tissue from either a horse or a human infant.
So at this point in the story we’ve now come to the conclusion that somehow Sky Horse/Human Baby Lungs have exploded over a quaint farm in Kentucky.
Finally, a consensus was reached when one doctor proclaimed that many kinds of meat had fallen in the meat shower, not simply one type.
So we’ve determined that it is, in fact, Meat. But the question remains:
Where did it come from?
William Livingston Alden of the New York Times offered two possibilities:
- The shower had been some odd form of Meteor (Meatier) Shower.
“According to the present theory of astronomers, an enormous belt of meteoric stones constantly revolves around the sun, and when the earth comes in contact with this belt she is soundly pelted,” he wrote. “Similarly, we may suppose that there revolves about the sun a belt of venison, mutton, and other meats, divided into small fragments, which are precipitated upon the earth whenever the latter crosses their path.”
2) The shower had been a whirlwind of cut up people parts.
“A terrible suspicion has since grown up that the shower actually consisted of finely-hashed citizens of Kentucky, who had been caught in a whirlwind while engaged in a little ‘difficulty’ with Bowie knives and strewn over their astonished State.”
It’s good to see that the New York Times has always been a bastion of fine reporting and higher thought.
It is fitting somehow that the most believable explanation offered for the Kentucky Meat Shower is also the most disgusting of them. It is believed that the meat shower was likely the result of a flock of passing vultures vomiting up excess food after having recently feasted on a carcass or two. It is not unheard of for some flocks to collectively relieve themselves if they have eaten too much, and it would explain the variety of the sky meat.
In the end, no one is certain of what caused the Kentucky Meat Shower. Was it a Meatier Shower, an Exploding Bear, or simply Vomiting Vultures?
Sadly, it is a mystery that will remain unsolved forevermore.